General Moaning and Complaining about the State of Affairs (Plus hopes for the future)

Oh my, I'm getting slack at writing. Many apologies to the (three?) people that occasionally read this. I keep starting posts, losing inspiration, saving them as drafts then forgetting about them entirely. Really need to work on my attention span.

I promised myself when starting this blog that it wouldn't become a mere place to bemoan the world. And I've mostly held to that (I hope!). But sometimes, a girl just needs to vent.  Again, profound apologies if you are reading this. 

In order to fully engage the spirit of teenage-girl-complaining-about-the-world, I'll begin with "Nobody gets me!" The cliche truly does hold value sometimes, even if it's never entirely true. 

It's HARD. It's seriously hard to be Catholic sometimes. Not that it's hard to love God, the eucharist, Christ, Mary, etc. etc. Never do I feel more alive than when praying. No, the hard part comes when you have to drop down from the little bubble of divine contemplation to live your daily life surrounded by people who just don't get it. My week has been absolute and unequivocal proof of that. Whilst trying to more openly live my faith and views in ordinary life, I've hit the brick wall of awkward silences and "Are you serious?"s from my peers.

Example A: My comment that I think I'd like to have seven children and be a stay-at-home mother. Oh, and that I wouldn't mind being poor, because who really needs Christmas presents.

Suddenly I'm both the Grinch and the 50s housewife, which in our generation of feminism, materialism and small families makes me incredibly strange. 

Example B: My revelation to a couple of friends that I'm getting up a half hour earlier to say the rosary. And that I'd rather go to the chapel to pray than hang out with our 'group' a lot of the time.

I've become little-miss-holier-than-thou, a fanatic and a 'saint'. Which in many ways I view as an incredible compliment... but it wasn't said as one.

Example C: My lack of willingness to drool over the 'hot' movie stars/ boy bands/ athletes being discussed.

Apparently makes me lesbian?

These and many other incidents in the past seven days have put me into a downtrodden state. Further apologies to Charlotte and Victoria for my being mopey and depressive all week. You are wonderful people and I appreciate the fact that you've put up with my bemoaning the world.

Catholicism is strange. Faith is so uncommon nowadays that those who prioritise it seem foreign to the rest of society. I've always felt quite alienated from my peers, not because I didn't have good friends, but there was always a sense of removal from other people. I don't know how much of this is owing to my Catholicism, but I'm sure part at least can be attributed to the difference in faith I had from my peers.

I wish I didn't care so much what people thought of me. I wish I could rest easy knowing that the only one whose acceptance matters is God. But I struggle so much. Throughout the Total Consecration, I learnt to renounce the spirit of the world, the concupiscence (hard word to spell) of the flesh. But the more I learn to examine my attachments, the more I become attached to the opinions of others.

St. Teresa of Avila wrote about the interior castles that we journey through to find God. Some days it seems like no matter how far I progressed into the next castle, I constantly and consistently end up back with scorpions outside the walls. No matter how many good resolutions and affections I have for our Lord, I keep falling back into sin and vanity. 

I had to miss youth group of Sunday, which I think messes with my system slightly. The encouraging and inspiring talks, the holy friendships, the adoration and prayer.... these things repair all the little attacks on my heart and on my relationship with God that have occurred throughout the week. Without the mending process, I tend to lose a bit of inner strength. It's only Tuesday and already I've burst into to tears three times this week. We constantly rely on God to help and support us through times of trial and tribulation, to mend all the little injuries that keep weighing us down. I need that support system, those kind and holy people, that help that only God can give, to enjoy life and withstand the troubles it fires at me. 

I can't wait for the day when I'll be completely immersed in like-minded people. I have a flow chart called The Future, with about eight different courses of events I can see my life following. But they are all passionately Catholic paths, hopefully filled with amazingly holy people. No matter where my (yet to be discerned) vocation will lead me, I know that my life needs to be dedicated to God. He is the only thing that will make me happy. God IS happiness. God is love and compassion and mercy. And truly God is all we need. But it always helps to have an earthly support system. And this is where the future comes in to play.

I'm obsessed with Franciscan University of Steubenville at the moment. It seems positively perfect and amazing and incredible in every way. EVERYThing I've heard makes me long to go there, to experience the dynamic and profound Catholicism of the place. I really really really hope I'll be able to go there some day. Prayers would be very much appreciated.

I'm beginning to lose momentum on this generally plaintive and uninspired post, so I will sign off. Sorry for the rant, I promise that I will try not to do it again. And things really aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I do enjoy my life, even if my peers sometimes frustrate me. Plus I need to stop overcommitting myself! I had five meetings one lunchtime last week. Goodness me, why do I volunteer for everything?

Last thought: strange and extraordinary are technically synonymous. Next time someone calls me weird- I'll take it as a compliment. I'm a beloved princess of God- what could be more extraordinary than that?

FOR THE GREATER GLORY OF GOD!

With Love,

Kate Gilday: Grinch, housewife, fanatic, saint, sinner and princess.