Forgiveness a la Philemon (A Ten-Step Model)

The two cloth bags did seem on the heavier side of normal, so for interest's sake I hopped on the scales with them when I got home and discovered I'd just carried 23kg of groceries nearly a kilometre. Putting them down was reminiscent of a snail leaving its shell behind: I felt weightless (and a little bit achy). 

Overburdened shoulders aside, Wednesday morning may well be my favourite time of the week. Not only do I get to go grocery shopping (yay, food other than rolled oats!), I also get to spend three hours in the presence of the Lord. 

As a busy semester of uni, work, ministry, choir and 'adult-ing' looms, I've opted to build in a hermit morning every week and have a quality bro-down with my Beloved. I want Him to be the voice that matters: not the incessant cries of an addiction to busyness or the internal accusations that keep me bound to perfectionism. At the end of it all, my worth flows not from adult-ing well, but from the Love who is recreating me in every moment. 

The beautiful Verbum Dei missionary sisters have agreed not only to let me gatecrash their chapel but also to kick off my day with a scripture input as food for prayer. Unfortunately, when God is speaking directly to you through a missionary very much in tune with His voice, chances are you'll end up facing a challenge painfully applicable to your life.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat, do not withhold even your shirt.... For if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do the same.... And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Luke 6:27-36

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww........

He asks us to brave further injury from someone or something that has already hurt us. He asks us to set aside our desires for reciprocated love and earned favour; to risk vulnerability in order to say to others 'I will not abandon you in your unfaithfulness' (how very Hosea and Gomer!). He asks us to give more than we could ever hope to receive in return, indeed to "expect nothing back".

Secular emotional economics is based on a transactional model -  I will love those who love me; do good to those who do good to me; lend my vulnerable heart to those who will treat it carefully and reciprocate with the same vulnerable sharing; I will think highly of those who think highly of me.

As deeply steeped as I am in this model of trade, is it any wonder that Jesus' words are sharper than a two-edged sword?

How often have I gauged a person's moral worth by their actions and reactions towards me?

How much bitterness has accumulated upon my soul from the times I've perceived injustice in the way another has treated me?

As I entered into prayer, Jesus began to bring to mind everyone who has hurt or disappointed me in big ways and in little. 

"Where do you give up?"  He asked me, "Where do you say "I can't go back there - it hurts too much."? Where do you say "Nothing's going to change them anyway."? Where have you ceased to extend my generous faithfulness to broken vessels, counting personal cost above all else?

Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Forgive.

Some days I'm carrying 23kg of unforgiveness. 

I can't, I so often say to Him. Turning the other cheek hurts!

And yet by cherishing hatred and a spirit of enmity in my heart, I retain the emotional baggage that keeps me from running wholeheartedly into the merciful arms of the Father. 

I can't, I cry. This cross is too heavy.

But the only way to be liberated from the weight is to let go.

HOW?

I'm a super-big fan of Paul's letter to Philemon. It's a random, uni-chaptered epistle squished in before the epic homily of Hebrews and I'd given it very little thought until I stumbled into it several months ago... and fell far deeper in love with Jesus through it.

The letter's essential function is persuasion - dear Philemon... please forgive Onesimus.... actually, on second thought, you owe it to me to forgive Onesimus, so DO IT.... love, Paul. 

Perhaps Paul succeeded in persuading Philemon to forgive Onesimus two millennia ago. Certainly Jesus succeeded in teaching me how to forgive others this morning through Paul's words.

And so I invite you to prayerfully read through the letter's middle section (v10-19) with me, substituting in the name of whomever you find yourself saying "I can't" about. 

I urge you on behalf of my child _______ whose Father I have become in My imprisonment. 

who was once useless to you but is now useful to both you and Me 

I am sending _____ - that is, My own heart, back to you....

I [don't] want to do anything without your consent, so that the good you do might not be forced, but voluntary

Perhaps this is why _____ was separated from you for a while, that you might have them back forever

no longer as a slave but more than a slave, a brother, beloved especially to Me, but even more so to you, in the flesh and in the Lord.

So if you regard Me as a partner, welcome him as you would Me

And if he has done you any injustice or owes you anything, charge it to Me

I [Christ] write this in My own hand: I will pay

May I not remind you that you own Me your very self

Freedom is possible. Forgiveness is possible. And I believe that Paul's letter to Philemon gives us a pretty great model as to how.

1.) Remember that they are a child of God

I love to picture the person in question as a small child, reaching up to their father with a massive grin on their face. Somehow people seem both less culpable and less terrifying if we bring to mind that they were once small - and indeed, still remain a child in the eyes of their heavenly Father.

2.) See their potential for transformation in Christ

He makes the "useless" useful. He makes the blind see. He is drawing every human soul to greatness, but even more importantly, into His arms. Remember that God's deepest desire is for this person to spend eternity with Him. They have the potential to be a Saint!

3.) Notice the ways they are especially beloved by God

Remember with fondness the goodness that is present in the person. See God's own heart overflowing with affection for the little ways they glorify Him. They are revealing Christ to you, however imperfectly. He has sent His own heart back to you in the form of this person - choose to see how!

4.) Realise that you have a free choice

You do not have to carry this burden. Nor are you obliged to forgive. The Lord gives you the option. He doesn't want to force you or do anything without your consent.  His hope is that you would voluntarily recognise that you can freely choose your own freedom from unforgiveness. This debt you carry against them is not a part of you.

5.) Take a moment of separation to detach

Breaaaaattthhheeeee.......

Sometimes we need a moment to zoom out from the situation; sometimes the moment will necessarily be longer than you thought it could be. Just keep at the forefront of your mind "God has gifted me with the free choice to forgive."

You are not bitterness, no matter how much of it you carry. His Spirit will work in the silence to renew you in Mercy.

6.) Ask "how can I see them no longer as a slave but as a brother?

For me this often involves saying "_____ does not exist for the purpose of flattering my ego." When we harbour unforgiveness, it's often come from an initial expectation that another should fulfill a need within us; that we have a right to be treated according to a certain standard which we feel they have violated. But they are not our slaves. They are our brothers. We are on this journey together. No-one is a means to an end. 

7.) Welcome Christ into your heart, as well as the guest He chooses to bring

To love God is to give Him a "plus-one" invitation into your affection. Allow Him to bring your enemy into a place of intimate dialogue within your soul - and then.....

8.) Transfer all of their debt - be it from hurt or disappointment - onto Jesus

He signs His name to their sin. He freely chooses to take every mistake, every act of unthoughtfulness, every area of neglect, upon Himself. He has left them spotless and taken the stain upon Himself. If you're going to be made at anyone, it must now be Christ:

9.) See Him nailed to the cross by those things

He writes with His own hand: He will pay. However painful the image may be, picture yourself nailing Jesus' hands, upon which are written the sins of your "enemy", to the cross. Know that you have a choice not to put Him there; yet He freely chooses to be merciful even though your bitterness would nail Him to the cross.

10.) Remember that He did this for you and for them, out of His great mercy: will you choose to live that mercy too?

I worked through this model of forgiveness for five different people and one place this morning. I walked out of that chapel carrying 23kg less emotional baggage.

In forgiving we free ourselves.

We also enable ourselves to become the healer for the wounded ones who hurt us.

Christ empowers us to brave further injury from someone or something that has already hurt us. He empowers us to set aside our desires for reciprocated love and earned favour; to risk vulnerability in order to say to others 'I will not abandon you in your unfaithfulness'.

He empowers us to give more than we could ever hope to receive in return - out of mercy; out of love.

~~~~

AMDG