Superwoman Surrenders

Exactly 365 days after I finished my second year of NET, I sat down with God to evaluate my first year as a self-motivating, independently-functioning Christian.

Looking back at my prayer journalling from the days immediately after NET Thanksgiving Mass in 2015, I could almost taste my desire to keep fighting the good fight. Don't let me fall off the bandwagon, I begged Jesus. Let me keep close to you. Let me keep serving. Let me live next year with even more zeal, holiness, and intention for mission than I have these last few years.

2016 was abundantly more than I could have hoped or dreamed. I did it - well, God did it.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Philippians 4:13

I prayed every day. Sometimes for an hour; sometimes for three.

I went to daily Mass. I signed up for ministry activities. I worked for and volunteered for the Church. I lived in a Christian household and fought daily to make Christ the reason for our home. I tried to live contemplatively as a student. I talked about Jesus with everyone I sat next to in class, people I sat next to on planes, people I bought pianos from. I learned more about stewardship and took practical steps to live it out.  I gave talks, and wrote articles, and led prayer groups. I staunchly discerned religious life and tried to drag as many people along with me as I could. I began new friendships  and invested in existing ones with the hope of leading people closer to Christ.

And I did the "adult-ing" thing too: moved to a new city, got a job, found a house, bought furniture, navigated public transport and cycling, bought groceries, did laundry, paid bills, cooked meals, cleaned the kitchen, worked (four jobs over the course of the year), went to two new universities,  emerged from my first year of study with a GPA of 7.0, traveled for work and for fun, got out of bed every. single. morning.

You know what else I did? Exhaust my own resources. 

Exactly 365 days after I finished NET, I looked back over that magnificent year knowing that I could be proud of myself and should be over-flowingly grateful to God; but what I felt instead was the weight of my own weariness.

I couldn't do it anymore. I was so tired - physically drained, emotionally depleted, spiritually exhausted.  I was burnt out, in a way I never had been before: tired but incapable of resting when I had the chance to; anxious about God's call in the little as well as the big things; emotionally fragile but struggling to be vulnerable enough to let anyone know.

I was used to being the last one to go to bed and the first one up in the morning; optimistic, altruistic, and energetic. But after a year, I suddenly began to need (while still stubbornly getting up at 5.30am) to take a nap from 8-9am every day just to make it through the morning. My energy for listening to others, engaging in service and compassion, and attempting to be generous with my life for the Lord was plummeting. I wanted to run away from everything because I was too tired to keep going, but too scared to let anyone know I needed help.

But I could still hear Phil 4:13 loud and clear - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can be superwoman, right?

After extensive prayer, many tears, and a few more sleepless nights, I came to an earth-shattering conclusion:

(are you ready for this one?)

I AM NOT GOD.

(wow)

(told you it was earth-shattering)

Jesus found me where I was asthmatically running around in circles, held my Martha heart tightly, and said:

Kate. You are not the world's saviour. I am your saviour. 

I'm not the world's saviour: He. Is. Mine. 

When I looked back on 2016 and evaluated everything that I had done - for God, for others, for the sake of my own success - I made the mistake of thinking that any of it mattered.

I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to be THAT Netter that stayed faithful to their missionary identity. I wanted to prove to myself and the world that it was possible to be superwoman, that it was possible to do it all and not let anything slip, that I really could be the infallible, ever-perfect Kate of my dreams.

Whatever.

If I hadn't prayed - he would still be faithful.

If I hadn't volunteered - he would still be generous.

If I hadn't fought - he would still be fighting for me.

If, at the end of this big, long year of "my" successes as a Christian, all I can do is collapse into His arms and say "Jesus, I give up!" - he will never give up on me.

The hardest thing for me to do is to let God be God. I want to do everything through Christ who strengthens me - when the one thing He's trying to empower me to do is surrender.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

After finishing my first year as a self-motivating, independently functioning Christian, Jesus has asked me not to try it ever again.

Don't function independently. Stop attempting infallibility. Don't make it about you at all, actually. You are neither the source nor the summit: you are a signpost.

What I really want is to point the way to the Living Water. When other people look at my life, they shouldn't see a Kate who has it all together, and juggles a million commitments successfully, and manages it all with a sinless heart and an unwavering smile.

No, they should see one who is empty - but filled by Him; one who is broken - but made whole by His Love; one who is little - but who sits on her Father's shoulders to see more clearly.

In 2017, I don't want to be an ambitious Christian - I want to be an authentic one. 

For starters, I'm going to start sleeping more sustainably. I'm moving out of my beloved shared house to board with a family instead, with the hope of achieving a bit more health and balance. I'm "preserving the empty hour" - beginning to cherish times for mental, emotional, and physical bucket-filling as well as daily prayer time.

And I'm committing to "fewer things well".

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me; but what I ought to do is that to which He has called me. To live with deep love in every moment of my life demands that I remember that "few things are necessary - indeed only one." (Luke 10:42)

He's calling me to be in communion with Him: to be loved by Him and so become a signpost for the world of where True Love is really found.

And so exactly 393 days after finishing NET, I'm giving up:

I am not God.

And praise God for that. May I spend my life surrendering to the One who Is.

AMDG