Self-Esteem Crisis #863

And so I ended up with a box of hair dye in my supermarket basket – despite the fact that it was against my environmental values; despite the fact that Jesus was trying to get a word in edgewise about being beautiful just the way I am; despite the haunting premonition that it was probably too dark and I’d end up unable to wear black clothing for fear of looking like a goth.

Why the dye?

For the same reason that I’d gone for a run that morning and spent a half hour the previous evening with turmeric and honey paste smeared on my acne-ridden face.

I was having a self-esteem crisis.

Let’s be real – this was four days ago. I probably still am having a self-esteem crisis.

Let’s be realer – I’m a twenty-one-year-old woman. Am I ever not having a self-esteem crisis?

Of course, there are a few moments’ respite while tangled up in the pages of Captivating or the Song of Songs. But even as a Christian woman armed with identity-affirming ammunition, I spend vast quantities of time convinced I am ugly, inadequate, and fundamentally unlovable.  

Every glance in the mirror (which, incidentally, is covered with a blanket right now because I got so sick of it) or scroll through the picture-perfect lives of my Facebook compatriots seems to reinforce the validity of my manifold self-criticisms.

Slathering on another coat of mascara or being told I look good in green doesn’t seem to budge the firm belief that my physical appearance is, for one reason or other, wrong. If it’s not freckles, then it’s acne – or leg hair, or excess weight, or short fingers, or a skin tone that will be either ghostlike or beetroot, but nothing in between.

Even those little daily reminders from God that “authentic beauty flows from a heart at rest in Him,” and that my true value comes from “purity of heart, kindness, courageous originality, and a carefully contemplated understanding of who He is,” seem hopelessly quiet underneath the roar of advertisements, engagement announcements, and selfies.

And I’m forced to ask myself: when did God’s opinion of me lose its value?

In Theology of the Body, Pope St John Paul II makes an interesting observation:

[Adam’s] words "I was afraid, because I was naked,” witness to a radical change… man loses the original certainty of the image of God, expressed in his body. (27.4)

I think this summarises to a tee what I – and, I think, all Christian women everywhere – continue to experience: a regular and relentlessly repeated loss of certainty. On a daily basis, that same fundamental shift happens in me as it did in Adam and Eve: I suddenly become aware that I’m “naked” – vulnerable, lacking something, unsightly.

I lose my original certainty of the image of God expressed in my body. Like Adam and Eve, my inward heart shifts from believing “I am good because I am made in God’s image,” to “I need to improve myself, whatever it takes.”

For Adam and Eve, that attitude shift was the result of a lie they were told:

The serpent said to the woman, ‘For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:5)

Here’s the thing: Adam and Eve were already like God – they were made in His image and likeness (Gen 1:26-27).

Their eyes were already open – they had looked upon creation in all its beauty, and on each other as suitable companions, and on God as the source of their breath.

And they already knew good and evil – God had proclaimed them “very good,” and shown them what to avoid if they wanted to have life to the full.

What actually happens, then, is the serpent promises them what they already possess.

It’s like saying to a child holding a living puppy: “But don’t you want a real dog?” while handing them a stuffed animal.

The serpent convinces them that God is holding out on them: that they haven’t yet seen things as they really are. And so he deceives them into striving for a counterfeit of what was already innate to them.

Instead of delighting in the living identity that was already theirs, they accept a stuffed-animal understanding of who they are.

And I think every one of us since Eden has been conned into accepting that same stuffed animal. We trade in our innate beauty for a life of slavery to products, camera angles, and weight loss regimes.

Paradoxically, the days where I’ve spent an hour on my hair and makeup, starved myself, and deleted half the photos that are taken of me have been some of the most miserable and “ugly-feeling” of my life. The days where I’ve walked barefoot and naked-faced down a forest path while singing loudly and not caring who hears me have been liberating beyond belief.

It’s on those days – the beautiful, carefree, confident ones – that I feel most empowered to live in harmony with God’s plans. I don’t feel compelled to accept the devil’s promises and act without love towards others, because I am grounded in the Truth about who I am and who God is.

And I think that’s the crux of the Christian teaching on self-esteem. Not just God-centered therapy for our manifold insecurities – but an understanding that those insecurities form the first fracture in our relationship with God. We only take the fruit the devil offers when we doubt that we are made in Love’s image.

The devil’s way is to keep me from looking at the Lord and others with the eyes of love because I’m too busy looking in the mirror – to stop me from cultivating an authentically loving interior because I’m obsessed with crafting a flawlessly attractive exterior.

And sometimes he does a pretty good job of succeeding (hey, I’ve got the dark hair to prove it!).

But a life in the mirror crafting an “attractive” version of myself never satisfies. It’s a stuffed animal – and I want the real puppy. I don't want to be merely attractive. I want to love like He loves. 

I know (or at least, I’m trying to know) that I am made in God's image; that my eyes are, actually, open to what authentic beauty is; that God has proclaimed me ‘very good’ and I need not spend my days in doubt and futile striving to be more.

And I’m slowly beginning to accept the Holy Spirit’s suggestion that the more important question to ask about my reflection is not “am I attractive?” but “do I love?”

Praying for the grace to love a little bit more every day – and praying for all of you out there that are going through today’s self-esteem crisis,

AMDG