Because he felt betrayed

In my list of ‘Advice to Self’, item number fourteen reads:

“If someone is hurtful, it’s because they’re hurting.”

I’ve found it a pretty effective maxim in teaching me forgiveness and practical empathy. 

Person says biting comment that leaves me stinging for hours? Probably someone said something nasty to that person earlier that day, or last week, or every day since they turned five. Person is standoffish and reluctant to show affection? Maybe they’ve never been shown affection in their life. Person being snarky about Christianity? Chances are they’ve been hurt by a Christian at some stage.

So often the wounds we inflict on other people flow out of our past wounds. We struggle to forgive because we haven’t experienced mercy from another person. We lash out in anger because that’s the coping mechanism we’ve learned from our environment. We blame others for the secret sadnesses in our hearts.

People can act in bewildering ways sometimes – but things usually make a lot more sense if you trace back the legacy of pain and disappointment.

Often the most important question to ask about someone’s actions is “What made them do it?”

Today in the Church’s readings we hear the end of Judas’ story – when he makes a deal for thirty silver coins and begins looking for a time to betray Jesus.

But Judas wasn’t born as ‘the bad guy’. Along the track, he had heard and been attracted to Jesus’ message of Love. Judas had chosen to become a disciple and follow Jesus for three years. He had seen miracles happen, and heard the words of eternal life.

Yet somehow he ended up with a heart disposed to turn away.

What made him do it? What brought Judas to a place of such inner hurt that he could lash out in hurtfulness against his leader and friend?

I think Judas felt betrayed. Jesus has disappointed Judas’ expectations of a Messiah. Jesus had publicly reprimanded him. And Jesus had confirmed that yep, there was going to be suffering involved for all of them.

Judas betrayed God because he felt betrayed by God.

I think most of the times we betray God are because we feel betrayed by Him.

God hasn’t lived up to what we thought He promised us. He doesn’t make things easy for us, constantly stretching us and inviting us to more.  He allows suffering to enter the world as a whole and our lives in particular.

And yes, we see what our faith in Jesus has done for us. We can look back and see miracles and remember those words of eternal life. But because of our hurt and disappointment and bitterness, we hand Jesus over to be crucified.

Not that it improves our own situation – when we banish the hard, hurtful parts of Love, we banish the only Love that sustains us and gives us hope.

What remains? Hurt. More often than not, we end up as despondent at Judas was when he killed himself out of self-loathing and shame.

I know this cycle all too well.

I grieve that Jesus hasn’t brought about such-and-such a promise in my life. I turn my back on him in frustration and rebellion. And I get so, so thirsty without His Love that I cannot bring myself to love others, the world, or myself.

I can trace every one of my sins back to this feeling of betrayal, pain, and disappointment. I hurt other because I feel hurt by them. I hurt God because I feel hurt by God.

It’s so easy for us to condemn and hate Judas for what he did. It’s so easy for us to condemn and hate ourselves every time we betray Jesus and turn our back on Love.

What’s harder to do is ask why. What made him do it? What makes us do it?

What deformity has crept into our relationship with God that we feel betrayed by him? Where have we not forgiven God for the wrongs that others have inflicted on us? What don’t we understand about why life is the way it is?

In every feeling of betrayal, we have a simple choice: to talk to God about it, or to sell Him for thirty silver coins. If we don’t do one, we will do the other.

It isn’t easy to talk to God – or anyone – about feelings like that. Every experience of conflict resolution in my life has reminded me how hard it is to go to a person either to ask for forgiveness or to explain why I feel hurt by them. I’m terrified that trying to fix a problem will only aggravate it.

Judas probably worried that if he went to Jesus to talk – about his expectations for the Messiah, or his hopes for the distribution of funds to the poor, or his hurt at being publicly told off – that Jesus would react badly and say “Judas, you’re a proud idiot who doesn’t understand My ways.”

That’s always what I’m afraid God will say to me.

But what does Jesus say in the face of our faults?

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

If there’s one thing we can learn from Judas’ story, it’s that bottling it up doesn’t work. Our feelings of frustration, disappointment, and betrayal don’t go away – they become a scorecard against God, a tally of wrongs that we use to justify our own wrongs. Bottling up our sense of betrayal poisons our hearts and makes us commit the same betrayal. We hurt because we are hurting and we’re afraid that God is going to dismiss our hurt as pride and foolishness.

But when we go to him with courage, honesty, and humility, what does He actually offer us? Forgiveness. Understanding. Healing. Hope.

Dear friend, if you’re in a place of self-loathing and shame, trace it back. Dare to ask “What made me do it?” Bring that feeling of disappointment and betrayal back to God. And in healing the rift between you, He’ll heal your hurting soul as well.

AMDG