The Wound of Loneliness

2018 has in many ways been a painful year for single people. The whole year has seemed like an unending succession of engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings, and friends announcing new relationships. It’s been a season of couple-iness, and sappy gazes, and event after event after joyful, celebratory event.

When you’re single, these celebrations bring you happiness for your friends, sure. But they also exacerbate the wound of loneliness. They make you feel that you’re one step behind on the life bucket list. They make you wonder whether your friendship is still going to be relevant for those entering a new stage of life – whether you were just filling a void of emotional usefulness that’s now been satisfied by a partner. They make you fear that you’ll never be anyone’s ‘person-in-the-world-they-most-want-to-see’ - regardless of whether that is a lover or a friend.

The fact that I’m not single anymore sometimes irritates me, because now I’m part of the ‘haze of other people’s happiness’ that makes my single friends feel left behind, lonely, and uncertain where they fit into their social environment. Perhaps my non-single status disqualifies me from writing this blog post – but until I started dating someone a few months ago, I was right there in the thick of those emotions: the fear of transience, the loneliness, the longing. I remember them well. 

And having processed those emotions in a variety of healthy and unhealthy ways, I think it’s important, in such seasons, to clarify what you’re actually experiencing. Snarky people will write off your emotions as jealousy – but in actual fact, that’s not really an accurate description of what you’re going through. There’s actually a three-fold grief happening, which demands to be felt and dealt with in the light of God’s truth.

                                                                                                         

1. Grieving Philia

Seeing a friend get married or begin to date someone feels like the end of an era. You and that person will never again have the same relationship you once did. And maybe (you try to console yourself) that relationship will get stronger and more beautiful. But you’re mostly afraid that their changing circumstances will mean the partial or ultimate loss of a friendship you have cherished.

In a platonic way, the love between friends is precious. The Greeks called it Philia, meaning the affectionate regard between equals. It’s characterised by loyalty, familiarity, and the mutual enjoyment of ideas and activities. Two single friends have time and affection to invest in each other (through quality experiences, random messages, acts of service, etc.) because those things aren't being channelled towards a partner. Some of the most wonderful gestures of love I’ve received in my life have been through my friends: the Roaring Twenties surprise party they threw me for my 20^th birthday, the handwritten letters of affirmation I’ve received from countless sisters, the late-night counselling when I’ve been in the depths of despair.

Especially given that Philia is characterised by loyalty, the notion of “losing” someone to a new boyfriend or prospective spouse can be devastating. Yes, you’re jealous – not of your friend, but of their partner. Though you’ll never admit it out loud, in your head the partner is ‘the usurper’ – the one stealing their time, their affection, their loyalty. You don’t mind their happiness or bright future – you just wish you could have some guarantee that you’ll still play an important part in it.

2. Grieving an ideal narrative

From the end of high school onwards, young adulthood tends to be a time of defining, testing, and attempting to live out who you’re called to be. For most young Catholics, marriage intuitively seems like the right vocation, and it subconsciously becomes part of the list of what your twenties should contain. And (though you try to avoid it) you often daydream about how the narrative will play out.

Being single at weddings (or even third-wheeling around a new couple) is a reminder that you haven’t achieved that dream. You’re not the ‘happily-ever-after’ this time around, and the clock on the wall seems to be ticking rather quickly. It’s so easy to get caught in the comparison trap of ‘who’s living the life I want to be living?’

And especially for those that feel some certainty in their call to marriage, there’s a sense of waiting for life to begin: so many goals and dreams (like creating a home, and parenthood) seem contingent upon finding Mr. or Miss Right. The fact that they haven’t yet shown up throws a spanner into the works, dragging out the ‘ideal’ timeline in a way that leaves you restless and disillusioned with Jeremiah 29:11.  

3. Grieving unworthiness

Perhaps this is the one that strikes closest to jealousy, because it’s the little voice of fear that asks: “Will that ever be me?” Inevitably, the moment we ask that question, the great Bully of our souls will leap in with an answer: “Of course not, because you’ll never be good enough.”

Not too many months ago, I poured out this fear to the Lord in prayer: “Jesus, I just feel so inadequate and unworthy. I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me that no-one’s ever told me about. Am I horrifically ugly? Unbearably dull? Too intense at all levels? Or just never the best option on the shelf? Why am I single, Lord?”

Who among young singles has not asked that last question? We want to know why we’re not the one at the altar or at least holding hands with our sweetheart. And nobody seems to offer the right response. At best, people express disbelief that no-one has come to sweep you off your feet. At worst, they say things like “Well, clearly you’ve got some baggage to work through before you’re ready for a relationship.”

Eventually, you start to believe those words, thinking that a relationship is something you can earn by altering yourself, striving for better, hunting partners down intentionally - or you throw in the towel, convinced that you're fundamentally unworthy of love. 

So how do we heal?

These three griefs come into powerful dialogue with the wound of loneliness in our hearts, but they do not actually create it. I want to make clear that the wound of loneliness does not go away when you start dating someone or get married. There is an aloneness and an unknowness for each of us that is only partly mitigated by human partnership. 

At our deepest level, we have a thirst for companionship that nothing but Divine Love can satisfy. "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Him" (St Augustine), and we will continue to experience the ache of loneliness for as long as we refuse to allow His love a place in our hearts. We were made for eternity. 

Furthermore, the less we acknowledge the insatiability of our thirst apart from Divine Love, the more likely we'll be to use others in a way that is unhealthy and unloving. We'll search for a partner who satisfies our selfish hopes for a moment, rather than seeking to make a gift of ourselves to another person. We'll become bitter friends who resent their coupled-off counterparts for spoiling what was a 'perfectly good arrangement'. We'll treat people with an expectation that they fix our wound of loneliness, and end up worse off than we were before. 

Let me make this clear: preserving the past you had with a friend will not fix the wound of loneliness. Crafting and executing an 'ideal narrative' of how your life should pan out will not fix the wound of loneliness. Even finding someone who says, "you're good enough for me!" will not fix the wound of loneliness.

Only God can do that. Only infinite Love can answer our longing for love. 

I would encourage you - whether you're single, dating, engaged, or married - to bring the wound of your loneliness before Jesus in prayer with honesty. What do you think will fill the chasm apart from Him? 

For my single friends in particular, here's three reminders to lay a strong foundation for navigating singleness in the midst of couple culture, and letting Jesus satisfy your heart. 

1. Remember you’re still necessary

Your dating/engaged/married friend still needs you. Desperately. In a new way, true, but no less than they did before. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask how they're doing. Don't be afraid to communicate honestly how you're doing. Don't stop inviting them on adventures.

Friendships can weather the storm of seasonal change if we are willing to fight for them. You have not become irrelevant just because someone's found a partner to journey with. No couple is an island. There's an especial grace that comes from investing in your friend's partner, because in doing so you actually get to know them both better. If you see what your friend loves in their partner and learn to appreciate it as well, you will strengthen the bond of your friendship in a powerful way. 

2. Remember the Narrative being foreshadowed

In a Christian worldview, we understand marriage as an eschatological sign: it foreshadows the Divine Union that all of us are destined for. It's not merely an end in itself, it's a vision of the true Love Story that includes every human soul. 

Your story is bigger than a bucket list or a little dream narrative about the way your twenties should go. God's plan for you - that whole promise of a future filled with hope thing - is bigger than bridesmaid flowers and a starter house. And so often the inner journey is far more important than the external one. 

Don't forget how much this season is worth in the grand narrative of your life. If you choose to allow it to be a chapter of holiness, joy, adventure, laughter, service, and love - it will be. You're not waiting for your life to begin: this is your life. Make the most of it. 

3. Remember your worth

Oh, sweet friend, do not think for one moment that your value as a human being is in any way determined by or reflected in your relationship status. You are good, and precious, and beautiful, and worthy. I know that. God knows that. And I hope you can come to a fuller knowledge of it too through prayer, life-giving friendships, and healing from past hurts. 

Everyone has baggage, and everyone has flaws - if you looks at your friends who are dating or married, you'll realise that relationships aren't a reward for perfection. Your singleness isn't a mark of your unworthiness - it's simply a unique grace for a particular season of life. This time hasn't (I repeat, has NOT) been given to you because you need to fix something about yourself. You are worthy exactly as you are. 

However, right now is a great time to become whole, and strengthen the Truth of your identity. Being single is wonderful time to intentionally invest in spiritual and social growth - to learn skills like conflict resolution, and loving others according to their love languages, and how to serve selflessly - so that whatever the future brings, you bring to it a willingness to love as much as be loved. 

A word to the wedded 

Don’t feel guilty. The Lord in His wisdom has given you this season right now, and given those who are single the grace for their own season. Your partnership has been anointed by God to be a light to the nations – not merely of romantic bliss, but of strong and supportive love that weathers storms, grows beyond itself, and offers sanctuary for a weary world. You don’t need to apologise for your happiness right now.

That being said, remember your single friends and the year they’ve had. Try not to be frustrated when they need to grieve – it’s not bitterness or jealousy, it’s just the Lord’s pedagogy as He walks us through new seasons and helps us say goodbye to the old. Remind them how much you still value their presence in your life, point them back towards the bigger picture, and offer them the love they feel unworthy of.

An Honest Prayer for the Hurting Heart

Lord,

Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I feel left behind, forgotten, and unworthy. Sometimes I cannot see the light or the grace in this season of singleness. Sometimes I do not trust You to be my all in all. Sometimes I feel so convinced of my own worthlessness that I’d rather not be seen by anyone. Sometimes I have no clue where my life is going, or how You are present in it.

But Jesus, I do believe in You – help my unbelief. I believe that You will never leave me alone, no matter how lonely I imagine myself to be. I believe that You will always supply peace and joy to my heart, even when I am anxious and despondent. I believe that You have a plan for my life that is richer than my own dreams, a plan that is knitted to eternity and that takes the whole picture into account. I believe that You are good to me, and I pray for eyes to see the Truth in my circumstances rather than believing the lies of fear and self-condemnation.  

Show me how You see me; Show me Your love for me and for the world. Jesus, I trust in you.

Amen.

AMDG