What do you see?

In about two months, twenty-two days, nine hours and, oh, 38 minutes or so, I’m going to turn twenty. Yikes.

The fact of my impending transition out of teenagerdom, compounded with the litany of other transitions 2016 is bringing (new house, new job(s), new degree(s), etc.), is enough to bring on somewhat of an existential crisis.

Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Who am I meant to be and what does that look like?

Standing in a hallway filled with doors that scream ‘pick me, pick me’, hearing, “the world is your oyster” is not that helpful.

Possibilities can be paralysing, and when every moment involves a decision that helps construct a definition of who you are in the eyes of the world, the temptation (for me at least) is to run away, hide in a closet and pray for invisibility.

I want to get it right, this life thing. I want clear-cut definitions and a set of expectations with exact guidelines on how to meet them, so that I can tick the little tick-boxes and feel that I’ve successfully managed another hurdle without tripping up and looking stupid.

But it’s exhausting. In striving and contriving to build a picture-perfect definition of who Kate is and who she’s going to be, I become ever-more uncertain of the decisions I make and the paths that I take, caught up in the paralysing fear of getting it all wrong.

And I begin to understand what Christ means when He says,

“Those who would seek to save their life will lose it. “(Matthew 16:25)

I don’t think I’m alone in this weariness.

Where am I going?

What is my purpose?

Who am I meant to be and what does that look like?

These are the questions that lurk in the shadows of our everyday lives, waiting for a response that we can’t seem to find.

The world seems to promise answers: study this degree, pursue this career, marry this person…. listen to your heart, wish upon a star and all your dreams will come true. And maybe those things do satisfy for a moment; maybe they just postpone the cycle of confusion.

When I hear the words of Jesus – I have come that they should have life and have it to the full (John 10:10) – I experience two things: a deep thrill of hope and an aching pang of dissatisfaction.

The dissatisfaction is the surface-level symptom of a deeper realization: maybe striving to get it right is the very thing that is making me get it wrong. Maybe in my manic quest for a full life I’ve missed out on the only thing that matters – the only thing that will bring lasting peace. Maybe I actually have no clue of who I am.

Hope is the joy of remembering that He does.

When – after all my striving and all my façade-constructing – I am still and remember the Holy Spirit who whispers in the silence of my heart, I experience something beautiful:

Freedom.

He reminds me again and again that His desire is for me to be liberated from the frantic cacophony of self-definition and to rest in the arms of Love.

He reminds me that my heart comes fully alive only when “it is no longer I who live but Christ in me.” (Galatians 2:20)

Too often we can experience this ideal of the Christian life as a further burden we must impose upon ourselves: “I have to be as Christ-like as possible.” We make it another thing on the list to strive for (“Patience – tick! Kindness – tick! No jealousy or boasting…. well, that’s today’s task!”).

Or we hear the words ‘life to the full’ and begin a soul-searching quest for exactly how we specifically are best equipped to be God’s hands and feet in this world, determined to discover the special grace we have received “so, like good stewards, responsible for all the different graces of God, we can put ourselves at the service of others” (1 Peter 4:10)

In our faith life we return to the same doomed cycle of striving and contriving to build a definition of ourselves that ‘gets it right’.

Do you want to know who you are? You are made in the image and likeness of God! So stop looking at yourself; look at Him.

What do you see?

Earlier today I went into my time with the Lord yearning to see clearly how I am meant to live this life to the full. He asked me to look at His face: “What do you see?”

I saw His eyes.

I saw those eyes, so observant and compassionate; the eyes of mercy. I saw a gaze that looked straight into the heart, disregarding any darkness or obstacles, seeking out the deep truth that a million facades try to hide.

I saw the eyes of a man who looked beyond appearances; who read between the lines; who discerned the deepest longings of the human heart.

I saw that His eyes noticed possibilities where others only saw trash. I saw that wherever His gaze went, potential was realized: even a glimpse of eye contact with Him was enough to empower outcasts to dare to hope.

That which you behold is that which you shall become. When I notice Christ’s eyes, therein lies my grace and my identity: I become those eyes.

I am empowered by His gaze to look compassion on the world; to allow His mercy and love for souls to flow through me.

When I stop trying to figure out where I am going, what my purpose is and who I am, and look at Him, I suddenly know the answer to those things.

Where is Christ going?

           

            What is His purpose?

                        Who is Christ and what does He look like?

In allowing Christ to live through us, we find the peace our hearts yearn for. Those who lose their life for His sake – for the sake of loving Him with every moment of our lives – will find their true life.

It’s my prayer that these will be the answers that matter in my mind – and in yours.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till He appeared

and the soul felt its worth.”

~~~~

AMDG