When Study feels Selfish

There comes a moment - usually somewhere around the sixth hour of study for the midsemester exam of a subject you're not especially fond of - when you sigh, look up to heaven and say, “Surely, this isn’t the mission you called me to, Lord!”

It’s not that you didn’t feel called to it when you started out. It’s not like your initial intentions were grounded in self-promotion – in fact, part of the reason you’re in this predicament was because you wanted to be a missionary in the context of your contemporaries; that is, everyday student life.

But enveloped in the depths of an obscure realm of fallacious arguments within logic, unable to reconcile the exclusivity of your relationship with a textbook with the ‘mission outreach’ you once loftily dreamt of, you begin to doubt He ever called you here in the first place.

Instant gratification monkey pounces on that doubt, insisting that if your work for God (and, ostensibly, its manifold fruits) isn’t observable RIGHT NOW, you must have missed something in the briefing. Patience is for lazy people; hard work is only justified when it’s obviously for others and really, after all, isn’t study a selfish way to be spending your time?

If you’re anything like me, this downward spiral is not an unfamiliar one.

Post-NET, the decision to become a full-time student was a natural one for four reasons:

1.  People-pleasing (my parents and relatives; social norms among my high school friends)
2. Necessary mental challenge (I was beyond ready to push myself hard in learning new information and skills)
3. Obvious mission platform (after a year of university ministry, I was beginning to cultivate a passion for bringing Christ to campus)
4.  Clear invitation from the Lord

However, the factors compelling enough to decide to become a student aren’t always convincing in the daily decision to study.

Take, for example: External accountability (the people one seeks to please) tend to see beginnings and ends – if the middle is a little bit fuzzy and peppered with a slight dose of selective procrastination, nobody’s really going to notice. 

The dismantling goes on: as much as committing information to memory somewhat contributes to the ‘necessary mental challenge’ described by an overall university experience, tedium soon banishes any surface-level awareness of this fact. 

And to polish it all off: for heaven's sake, if I haven't interacted with any soul save that of my Macbook for the last eight-and-a-half hours, it's difficult to claim that study is a real mission platform, isn't it?

What remains? Selfish reasons, yes: after all, excellent grades are an excellent ego-trip. But ironically enough, these reasons are easily dismissed by the missionary psyche on the very grounds of their selfishness.

What remains? A clear invitation from the Lord.

Faithful is He who calls you and He also will perfect His work.

1 Thessalonians 5:24

Struggling to hear that invitation as you heard it at first? Yup, me too. Does that mean it no longer exists? 

Here, for my benefit as much as yours, are the four scriptural (yup, you gotta get out yo Bible, brother!) slaps across the face with which Jesus reminded me that my call to be a missionary disciple student is not selfish:

1.) Psalm 1:3

(p.s. giving you references but no quotes. Go soak in the Word of God rather than relying on me to quote Him for ya)

Here's a fun fact: citrus trees take, on average, five to six years before they produce fruit for the first time. For most of us, that's longer than a degree. Even after this, they don't tend to (read: they never) overflow with ripe, juices oranges all the year long. For everything there is a season.

To study is to soak your roots in the Living Water of His Truth. Being an authentic missionary demands you spend time forming the witness you wish to proclaim. To learn and to grow is not only to increase your capacity to understand and love the Lord your God with all your mind, but also to ground yourself in an awareness of some facet of the world He has created that will empower you to speak the Good News to a specific group of people you couldn't otherwise have reached.

If the lie you're believing about your study is linked to missionary impatience - that it's selfish to spend time not actively building God's kingdom - hear this:

The man who delights in the law of the Lord is like a tree planted near running water: he yields fruit in due season and his leaves will never fade. 

Be patient in letting the Lord to prepare you to bear fruit. Learning and growing is vital to bearing fruit; but also to remaining evergreen- constantly renewed in an appreciation of all that He has made.

2.) John 1:38

Who are you looking for? Guess what - your textbook's revealing His majesty.

Every time we look out over a sunset or listen to the works of Shakespeare or, indeed, try to comprehend mast cell degranulation, we are (whether or not we're aware of it) looking for the source and the summit of these things. 

To pursue Truth is to pursue its Creator. That time that you're spending re-reading lecture notes on differential calculus can become a profound act of worship the moment you realise whom you are seeking and how His revelation overflows into all knowable things.

St Josemaria hits the nail on the head in his approach to education:

Nothing you learn is superfluous to coming to a fuller and deeper understanding of unfathomable infinity. Turn your flashcards into a song of praise for the God who made the limbic system! Marvel over the way that molar mass can tell you something about the one who is beloved of your heart. Find Him in everything, and see how magnificent it becomes as a result. 

3.) Luke 12:48

I know, I know. She had to bring up the parable of the talents. 

But surprise! I didn't. Lol. Fooled you. I told you to follow along in your Bible, not just rely on the pretty pictures I'm providing you with. Look it up, bro!

Look it up and feel rather uncomfortable. From the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be required. 

I firmly believe that God has written on my heart the call that He has for me and the concrete ways that will manifest itself in my life. I also believe that my unique gifts and predispositions help me to become aware of that calling.

I'm (with great awareness of how vain this sounds) a fairly smart human being. I like learning. I learn quickly. I master skills, sometimes through hard work, but more often than not by simple desire. Education has never been a difficult process for me, and I thrive in a context where I'm intellectually challenged.

Can I use that giftedness for proud and selfish ends? Sure. And I'm learning how not to do that. But to not make the most of what He has given me is equal selfishness - and irresponsible stewardship.

I've come to understand my vocation to study - and to study well - is to adequately respond to the talents the Lord has placed in my hands. To not make preparations for the Lord with those talents, to not act in accordance with that understanding of His call, is to deny something beautiful and powerful to myself, to others and to the Lord.

4.) 1 Corinthians 9:27

At the end of the day, perseverance is strength training. Saying your Fiat to discipline as a disciple while typing up an essay may well be the practice lap for saying a much more challenging Fiat.

Don't run aimlessly. Faithfulness now prepares you for more. Those who are faithful with the little weights (or big, depending on the size of the textbook) the Lord gives them to carry today will be the ones He entrusts great things to tomorrow.

Run this race. Keep your eyes on the Cross.

His gifts and His calling are irrevocable.

Romans 11:29

And worse case scenario.... Offer it up, dude. It was never meant to be easy. 

AMDG