I am not

“Daniel, beloved,” he said to me, “understand the words which I am speaking to you; stand up, for my mission now is to you.” When he said this to me, I stood up trembling. “Do not fear, Daniel,” he continued; “from the first day you made up your mind to humble yourself before God in order to gain understanding, your prayer was heard."

Daniel 10:11-12

Kay, so here's the dealio:

Daniel (the one who didn't get eaten by lions yay!) is entrusted with a vision from God that's "extremely difficult to understand." So he fasts for three weeks (abstaining from meat, wine, and - gross - combing his hair). Then an angel visits, they have a good chat about stuff, and suddenly the vision makes sense to Daniel (more yay!). 

Aside from being a fascinating theological discourse on angelic warfare (seriously, verse 13, whatchu saying?), this passage drives home a powerful message about humility.  

God reveals something to Daniel that he doesn't understand. But then, instead of relying on his own wisdom or earthly logic to make sense of it, Daniel humbles himself. 

Daniel effectively says to God "This is too big for me. But instead of trying to make myself bigger, I choose littleness to make room for your answer." He humbles himself through physical gestures of emptiness to show that he desires to be filled with the light of understanding that only God can give. 

He says "I am not, Lord, but You are and you will be my answer."

The moment Daniel realises he's out of his depth, he surrenders, fasts, and waits.

What's too big for you right now?

Sometimes youth ministry feels too big for me. Sometimes exams and assignments do. Some days it's friendship dramas. Some days it's homesickness. Some days it's the unending ebb and flow of vocation discernment. I alternate between being overwhelmed by acne and by Syrian refugees.

The instinct is always to attempt self-enlargement: my problem is big, so I'll become bigger to deal with it. I will study harder, obsess over details late into the night, and grow thicker skin to make sure no emotions creep in. 

Oh, I'll pray too (of the "Jesus make me patient, right now" variety) - but, reading back over my journals, I notice that it's always prayer with the specific intention of self-improvement.

This scripture offers us a different solution.

When we're out of our depth - when the Lord is entrusting a vision of life to us that we just don't understand - it's not actually our role to answer our own prayers.

Surrender. Fast. Wait. 

(incidentally, this week I've given up bobby pins - my pathetic equivalent of Daniel's comb-fast - to surrender a particular intention to God's wisdom. Unconventional, but truly effective in reminding me to pray for clarity every day while getting dressed!) 

When the angel comes to Daniel, he calls him 'beloved' - one who has been looked upon with favour by God. He tells him to stand and not to be afraid; to realise that God has been on his side the whole time. 

God is on your side. He hears the prayer of a humble heart that says "this is too big for me. Lord, you have to be the answer, because I am not." He loves you.

Stop trying to fill the gap in your own understanding, and embrace your littleness before the One who can actually give you wisdom. 

Take another look at your "too big". Revisit the 'too hard basket'. And instead of letting despair and despondency persuade you to abandon God, take a leaf out of Daniel's book.

Humble your heart, offer a little sacrifice to make room for God's grace, and wait for His strength to supply the answer you need.

AMDG