Unravelling.

The other day I sat down with my housemate's "Life Planning" book to try and wrap my head around my time, priorities, future direction, habits, and dreams. 

Sound like a marathon task? Yeah, I didn't get too far.

I did, however, get to a page that asked me what my definition of success was.

As I began to jot down a few ideas, the Holy Spirit nudged my heart a bit: "Kate, you're not writing what you actually believe."

And He was right. I was afraid to be honest, even to a piece of paper, about the definition of success I've been operating out of, because I know it's filled with lies.

Knowing that something is a lie still doesn't make it easy to abandon.

I wrote down:

    1.) Success is being the best at everything 24/7

    2.) Success is being beloved and admired by everyone

    3.) Success is being perfectly organised, optimistic, and generous.

I hated that I believed it. I hated that I operated out of it. But what was my alternative?

An "Everything, Everyone, Perfectly" paradigm has so long informed my approach to my studies, my work, my spiritual life, my creative pursuits - even my closest friendships - that I've become enslaved to it.

No wonder I so often feel like a failure. 

Success under this definition is impossible. And holding myself accountable to the EEP trifecta has been the single biggest factor in leading me into burnout, self-condemnation, and despondency on multiple occasions. On a daily basis, it's the chief cause of stress. 

Further to that, it's a massive rift in my relationship with God. When I place my hope and my trust in my own efforts, I neglect the Truth of His victory.

What's the alternative?

A new trifecta.

1.) Success is looking back with gratitude

2.) Success is looking forward with hope

3.) Success is allowing myself to love and be loved in the present moment.

I'm learning to believe it. But it's hard in a world that implicitly extolls the original definition of success. 

The only key I've found to be effective is letting His voice be louder than any other - including my own. In prayer the Lord has been admonishing and encouraging me: turn away from definitions filled with lies. Turn to Love instead. 

__________________________________________

Oh Israel - stressed and tired, uncertain and angry - be silent before the Lord your God.

Be unbound and let go.

You have been lied to again and again by a voice that seeks to sow fear, despondency and resentment in your soul. 

That voice isn't telling you the Truth, beloved child of God. That voice offers you fruit as an act to confirm your mistrust of Love. 

When that voice says "take and eat", it tempts you to believe that your actions can guarantee happiness and salvation. It says to you that you will never succeed, that in order to avoid guilt and dissatisfaction only the most radical paths will suffice.

But the Lord your God has spoken: you were created in Love's image and you are destined for eternity in His arms. 

You cannot earn either of these things. You cannot prove that you merit salvation. You cannot choose even the 'holiest' life and expect it to make the slightest difference in the economy of redemption. 

Grace has bought your soul. 

True faith demands that you let go of your definition of spiritual success. 

Love did not make you for 'greatness'. He made you for Love.

How often do you choose paths not because you trust Him, but because you are desperately trying to prove your trustworthiness?

How often have you crafted the 'best possible definition' of who you ought to be, concocted from a distorted understanding of how the Good News works?

You are caught in a trap: you have come to see yourself primarily as an agent of change rather than a recipient of grace.

That voice says to you "do not disappoint... do not reveal weakness... do not show yourself to be in need of a Saviour."

But Israel, child of God! The best possible definition of "you" is 'the beloved'. 

You are weak, and in need of a Saviour - but that is how He loves you. 

His love is the perfect gift exactly complementary to your need for love, mercy and redemption. 

He cherishes you as you are.

His invitation is not to incessant activity for the sake of the Kingdom, but to the quiet reception of the wisdom, the joy, and the forgiveness you stand so desperately in need of.

Be unbound and let go.

Oh Israel, be silent before the Lord your God. 

___________________________________________

AMDG