The Punchline of Christianity (Part III of There-and-Back-Again)

This is Part III of a four-part blog series called "There-And-Back-Again". You can find Part I here and Part II here. Together they tell the story of my mid-semester break, wherein I spent the ten days living as a contemplative nun at Jamberoo Abbey in NSW. 

Let's take a moment before you plough on. Have a look outside your window. Blink rapidly. Maybe make a cup of tea. Things are about to get pretty intense (if it wasn't intense enough already), so make sure you take some time to pray if you need to. 

There and Back Again
Part III: The Punchline of Christianity

Where were we? Right, Kate's becoming a Benedictine nun. Cool beans.

Trawling through five years of prayer journals had taken a couple of days, swallowing up most of my personal prayer time. And I started noticing that I was thirsty for a proper conversation with God (cause communal prayer seven times a day, silent craft work, and a daily hike with the Holy Spirit aren't enough, right?). 

Plus I had realised something, which was already filling me with dread: I would have to back down the mountain. Benedictine protocol suggests that you make three aspirancies before you ask to become a postulant. I wouldn't have time to make a second aspirancy until November at the earliest. That meant that I had to finish out 2018, at minimum, in the "real world".

To be honest, this was evoking a bit of a petulant response in me. Already I'd labelled Jamberoo as "mine". I didn't want to give it up. I didn't want to let go of what I wanted. It was mine. 

Like Peter at the Transfiguration, I was saying to Him over and over again: "Lord, it's good that we're here! Let's build three tents and stayyyyyyyyyyy." 

What does God say to Peter in his petulance? This is my Son. Listen to Him.

When I got a chance for that 'proper conversation with God', it's what He said to me, too:

Kate, you've become so caught up in developing a thesis on your vocation that you've stopped listening to my voice. Shhhh... You will not find answers in any appraisal, however thorough, because I AM the answer. Stop dissecting yourself and sifting through revelation. I tell you that I am the God of surprises, and no matter how foolproof a case you create, I'll still fool you.

Warning bells began to ring in my head - um, surprises? No.... no, surprises are not part of the mountaintop vibe. Clarity. Clarity is what we have on mountaintops. 

This is the difficulty of "death to self" - to choose to love that which you would rather renounce, and choose to renounce the things that keep you from Love. This is why you must return to the world. This life itself is not "running away" but you would be if you demanded it right now. Walk the path I have anointed for you.

And I was like, "Um. No. No. What if I lose sight of the fact that I have found the answer I was looking for? What if I go back down the mountain and the path gets grown over with vines and weeds? What if I forget?"

And Jesus was like, "Peter forgot. He denied me. Why did I allow this to happen? Why didn't I let him remain on that mountain at the Transfiguration? It is for you to come and see the answer."

I was getting seriously scared. Jesus was not behaving. 

Reluctantly, I went to see the answers. The next day I opened up my Bible to see what happened in Peter's life between the Transfiguration and the Resurrection. Between these two events, he's specifically mentioned five times in Matthew's Gospel:

1. He and Jesus have a good bro-down about why they should pay the Temple tax when it's the foreigners, not the citizens that owe something. Jesus is like, "Yup, you're right, the citizens don't owe anything. But so that we don't offend anybody, go catch a fish - in it's mouth there'll be a coin that we can use to pay the tax."

2. He asks Jesus how many times he has to forgive a brother who keeps on sinning. Jesus is basically like, "Duuuuuude, do you even get how much the Father has forgiven you? Forgive your brother from a heart that doesn't count the cost.

3. He hears Jesus predict his own denial and disbelieves it

4. He keeps falling asleep in the garden because his spirit is willing but his flesh is weak

5. He denies Jesus three times. 

I sat down to pray with the message of these events. Were they the lessons I had to learn when I went back down the mountain? How to fulfil my earthly duties even when I knew myself to be a citizen of heaven? How to forgive authentically? How to humbly accept my fallibility as a follower? How to stay awake when it's hard? How to return to Jesus even after I deny Him?

Peter's road post-Transfiguration was not straightforward or linear. I was beginning to get the feeling mine wouldn't be either. Things were starting to get foggy again.

My darling, you keep concerning yourself with details you can see, but I care more about your heart's inward journey. I delight in the superficially vague, because deeper down it is clearer that the world's wisdom.

I went to Vespers that night with a bit of anguish in my heart and sulked my way through the Psalms, praying for an encounter with Him that would strengthen my heart.

And as Sr Clare went up to read the evening reading, God whacked me over the head with a ten-foot long plank in the form of Philippians 2:

Have in you the same mind that was in Christ Jesus

for though He was in the form of God

He did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped

But emptied Himself.

Of His own free will He gave up all He had

and took on human form.

Being found in human likeness

He was humble 

and walked the path of obedience...

The Punchline of Christianity: the Incarnation.

I had gone up that mountain following my call to intimacy with the Father, and I truly knew that I had caught a glimpse of heaven. I was one with Jesus. Jesus was one with the Father.

But Jesus did not choose to remain there at the pinnacle of the mountain, the centre of the spiral, the core of Love's own heart.

No, He chose to go back out and descend to the very depths. He took the love of perfect union and kept its Truth in His heart as He emptied Himself and gave up all He had to take on human form.

Kate, you keep saying to me, "Better is one day in your house than thousands elsewhere - my soul is longing and yearning for the courts of the Lord - they are happy who dwell in your house, forever singing your praise."

And I say to you - you have spoken truly! You now know that Eternal Life is to be perfectly in union with the Lord. But one thing you still lack: Go and sell all that you have and give the money to the poor. Follow me. I surrendered my birthright - the foremost place in my Father's house - to delve deeper into the mystery of human life than anyone has ever gone

Holiness is not external circumstance but interior disposition. Do you long to abide in this sanctuary?Are you infatuated with eternity? Is the Road to Zion in your heart?

Then trace it back. Run right back to the beginning of the journey, all the while keeping your longing for eternity fresh in your heart.

You shall be a Living Tabernacle, for now you have received the Word of God I needed you - and the world - to hear. You found what you wanted most, and I tell you, it is what the whole world wants. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations. 

It may well be that you never see the final step of this journey until your death because you are journeying back and forth along the path to bring others to Zion. 

And now, my darling, it is finished. I have entrusted to you my call: become incarnate. Have in you the same mind that was in Me when I emptied myself, though I and the Father were one.

Do not forget the lesson you have learned: be still and know that I am God. Only one thing is necessary. Abide with me in your inmost sanctuary with every breath. For I do not care about your roles or your agenda or your busyness as a servant - I desire you. Choose the better part with your whole heart, for only then can you truly live these incarnate realities in union with God.

Life as a Benedictine nun is not the answer, for I myself am the answer. You are a Christian - one who is in Christ, who is in the Father. True contemplative life is not staring at Me where you know I am, but seeking me everywhere. 

And once again, I had no choice but to kneel down and say, "Fiat, my God."

Be it done unto me according to Thy word.

~~~

When you're ready, you can head on over to Part IV for the concluding act of our story.