Thoughts on Exams

I'm rather at a crossroads in my life right now. It's that age: you start questioning your own motives, beliefs, aspirations, friendships, life, everything. I'm hoping that my own personal doubting is towards a better life, rather than away from it, but you can never be sure.

Let me elaborate:

This week is mock exams. And I've been studying. Really studying. Finals are in November, and if you miss them, the Mock grades are your grades. Now, please don't get me wrong, I am very academic and I like doing well- but I hate studying. I study anyway, but I'm miserable. I don't know what it is, but I just can never seem to get motivated to actually want to study. I think partly it's the fact that it's so uninteractive. I thrive on discussion and interaction and bouncing ideas off people. Studying the way we've been taught to you're not bouncing to anyone but a book. Ok, I'm getting off topic.

 So yesterday, I was thinking (as you do) very deeply about the links between everything in life. I was tired of studying and it got me thinking about the purpose of it all. A rather deep yet confusing thought train ensued (skip over it if you wish) in which I conversed with alternate me.
NB I've put rational, academic me in bold, and deep, happiness-seeking me in italics.

Why am I studying?
Because I want to do well in mocks.
Why do I want to do well in mocks?
Because they're my grade if I miss externals.
Why do you want to do so well in externals?
Because.... I want to have a great academic transcript.
Why do you want to have a great academic transcript?
Because I want to get into a good university.
Why do you want to get into a good university?
So I can get a good job.
Why do you want a 'good job'?
Um... to make money I guess?
Why is money so important to you?
It's not, I just... ummm... welll..
Wouldn't you be happier in a life where you get to do what you love, make a difference in the world and be at peace with yourself and with God?
Well, yes, but...
And will a university degree necessarily give you that sort of life?
Well, not necessarily, but it would..
What if you didn't focus so much on studying, but instead focused on who you are as a person and your relationship with God?
Well, in theory that would be great, but I have an academic reputation to uphold..
Why do you need to uphold a reputation that shows you as someone who cares more about studying than about being truly kind and pure?
Hang on a minute here, I wasn't saying that...
Life is a rat race, you know that Kate? People want be the smartest, the prettiest, the wealthiest, the best. But is any of that really going to make you happy?
Well, I don't know? I never really considered why I was studying this hard...
Because you want to be the brightest, the best. But what if you instead decided that you wanted to be the holiest and the happiest. I don't mean happy because you're wealthy, pretty or smart. I mean truly happy. Wouldn't that be a far better life than being part of the rat race?
Well, yeah, of course, but how do I get to that state of unambitiousness? I've always been the goal-setting, over-achieving, never failing type. I can't just change who I am....
But who are you really? Are you only the academic one? Or are you more than that?
I'm more I guess. I just need to get my priorities sorted out.
I'm proud of you other-me, we've reached an agreement.
Thanks other-Kate.
No problem other-Kate.


Well, I know you may be thinking that I have GOT to stop talking to myself, but in actual fact this internal discussion has helped me a lot. Deep, happiness-seeking me has always been overshadowed by rational, academic me, and they're finally sorting their rankings out. In lieu of this discussion, I have made it my priority to sort out my priorities. I'm making a mission statement for my life (those of you who know me, please make sure I hold to this)

My Mission Statement

First and foremost I will love the Lord my God

with all my heart

all my soul

and all my life.

I will put my happiness as a priority

I will when possible avoid unnecessary stress

I will not obsess over detail and imperfection

but rather love who I am and what I can do.

I will seek out the injustices in this world

and do everything in my power to abolish them, 

even if it means sacrificing my own comfort for 

the good of others.

I will surround myself with like-minded people

and seek to form true and genuine friendships.

I will be diligent and hard-working always,

but will never let myself get caught up in the rat race

because although I value achievement,

I shall not let it consume me.

I will laugh often

smile genuinely

sing with all my heart 

love unconditionally

forgive always

pray truly

and begin each day will the resolve to do good.

I pray that the Lord

will guide my heart and my mind to His truth

that He will give me the strength to be true to myself

and that He will bless me with

the right reasons

in everything I do.

I will glorify Him by my life

in every word

thought

and action

And light the world on fire with His love.